and try my best to avoid sounding angsty.
[edit]all this is a jumble of random nonsense, though, so my advice is for everyone to stop reading here.
i went to the south east asian collection in the national library yesterday, after spending a good day at cedar catching up with everyone. managed to get the requisite books for my long essay, and realised [VERY BELATEDLY and to my own embarrassment] that alfred russel wallace was the guy who co-came up with? discovered? the theory of evolution with darwin. and that his middle name is spelt with only one L. [took me so many permutations of his name to get the book up on the records-- which just goes to show how clevaaaaar i am] his travel account reads very much like most of the other nineteenth century writers we've done, though, so i guess i'll just ahve to read it more closely, or, at least, read further past the measly few pages ive done. i took one looka t the books and decided it was pointless. took notes on the intro to wallace, and photocopied millions of pages off this and also an auxillary text which would probably shed further light on the writing.
in light of my module i have bought millions of books, one fo which i have just finished reading and which i am practically frothing at the mouth with recommending to anything that can remotely breathe. its called white mughals, and is by william dalrymple. its history, but exceedingly well- written, and is the kind of popularly intended writing that the world needs. [i dont think its v popularly read though i may be wrong. i dont know.] it is books like this, and not soppy nonsense like 'tuesdays with morrie' from which we can derive real lessons: the exclusive and intense focus on the self and an imagined community leads surely to exculsivity, ignorance and misunderstanding. moreover, navel- gazing introspection never did anything for anyone. nowadays i prefer to lose myself in history than to reminisce; i dont see the point in recording angst, and committing such thoughts on paper never really helped me figure them out as it should, only wasted paper and caused personal embarrassment later on. wasted bandwidth. whatever. [to this extent i am a hypocrite, clearly this is what im doing again]
i find myself rather enamoured with the 'hero' [if there are any heroes in history] of the book james kirkpatrick, haha. that's not really the point.
im thinking of sometime going back to the safti library to have a squid around; as i was telling mingyong im unhealthily attached to places and things. going back to them now im home is somewhat like a pilgrimage, especially when ive got to mrt all the way across the lines to get to them, as going to ghim moh and etc are. these have to stop.
what i don't really understand is how i've never had it so good, and been in such great self doubt about it at the same time. its a kind of insecurity, but in a less lucid, less direct form.
changing the topic again, i haven't yet started on my essays!!!! yeek! i've been reading around in a sort of sloppy fashion [and most of my reading ive already finshed] but im just too much of a slob to start actually writing. i suppose its my fault, esp on the history essay, picking a boring topic so that i'd have less work. it's probably easier, but im not going to enjoy it as much as digesting wallace's rambles around the region.
nigel's been a sweetheart and has contacted me almost every day since i left for home [he busying himself with his solo european adventure] which does [as opposed to Other partings of such periods which ive been through before] make ti a lot easier. not easy still, but easier. and of course there is the food which i am stuffing myself silly with, and good company to share it with. though in the same vein id say that i dont want to see a lto of the people who want to see me hahaha.
and i ahve, quite suddenly run out of things to say!! back to sleep, or to wallace, or to EARLY NINETEENTH CENTURY IMPERIALISM boo hoo hoo i think that i shall be an arse and start sewing again [im sewing myself a skirt from scratch i have NO IDEA how it will go but i LOVES my SEWING MACHINEE sewing is teh hot
mellie contemplated 9:52 PM
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